The calmness in between

I find immense joy in working outside my designated workstation area, particularly during weather like this. It offers a serene and tranquil ambiance, allowing me to revel in the simple pleasures. Savoring a steaming cup of coffee from my favorite mug while being enveloped by the gentle white noise that surrounds me, I feel a sense of contentment. The temperature is just right, neither too cold nor too hot, and a refreshing breeze announces the approaching storm, gently caressing my skin.

One of my favorite moments to work is between 3 am and 4 am. It is a time of quietude, peace, and solitude, where it's just me and my thoughts. During these hours, I prefer to stay indoors, allowing time to pass by. It's a time for reflection, for my thoughts and dreams to wander freely. It is during these moments that I realize my desire to break free from the monotony of everyday life and truly experience all that life has to offer, rather than merely surviving.

However, amidst this longing for change, I often find myself questioning: "Where do I begin? How do I start?"

As a 28-year-old mother to an autistic child, working as a freelancer in e-commerce without the benefits of SSS, PhilHealth, PAG-IBIG, and others, my income falls short of providing for my son's needs, especially considering his ongoing therapy requirements. In times like these, my thoughts become scattered, overwhelmed by the urgency to initiate action and the nagging feeling that time is slipping away, leaving me with a sense of inadequacy.

Between 3 am and 4 am, a sense of tranquility descends upon me. Yet, when I gaze into my son's face, I am compelled to commence a new chapter, to approach things differently. At times, I wish to halt time itself, freeing myself from the worries of the future. More often than not, I yearn for absolute control over my son's life, but I am acutely aware that such control is beyond my reach.

Life does not unfold like a movie, where all loose ends tie up neatly at the right moment and time. Instead, it is the culmination of the choices we make, reflecting the consequences of our actions or inactions.

I have titled this piece "The Calmness In Between" because the hours between 3 am and 4 am resonate deeply with me. They symbolize the transition from yesterday to a new day, as I prepare to embark on another routine - waking up, attending to work, assisting my son with his homework and school activities, tending to household chores, working again, sleeping, and repeating the cycle.

My 3 am is sacred and personal, a time dedicated solely to myself. It is a sanctuary where my thoughts, dreams, and aspirations intertwine. It encapsulates all my ambitions and goals, as I find solace in this serene hour. I yearn to hold onto this precious time for as long as possible.

I do not wish to share my 3 am with anyone other than myself.

In conclusion, I hope that you, too, have your own moments of solitude akin to my 3 am. May you discover the peace and clarity that such introspective hours can bring.